I've been crazy busy the last few weeks. I had 3 major events and worked another event. Things have just been busy. I mean I haven't even had time to do my own personal things. I've been wanting to reorganize/clean my "office" area (the front table in my parents house). My mother keeps just putting my stuff on the table and now its full of stuff and its all disorganized. I soooooooooooooo need my own place. I hate not having my own closet, drawers, office, desk, kitchen and bed. I so need my own space. Don't get me wrong I love my family and I'm grateful, especially during this time, but I just am too old to be living with my family. And every time I get upset at the fact that my mother and sister move my things because I don't do it on their schedule really, really frustrates me. Now mind you I've barely been home due to my events that I've had to work. 

See here is why they are funny and interesting. I keep going out with these guys who end up not liking something about me or turn out to be asses. Then they go out with someone who looks like me, acts like, but yet isn't me. I find it hilarious!!!

Ex-husband: went out with a girl who looked exactly like me and acts exactly like me (a friend told me about it and I met the girl)  I feel sorry for her though, because she got both the emotional and physical abuse, where I only got the emotional.

Ex-boyfriend 1: Went out with a girl that looked like me but was just older.
Ex-boyfriend 2: Went out with a girl who looked like me and was a hell of a lot meaner. I guess I was too nice.
Ex-boyfriend 3: Is going out with a girl who looks like me, acts like me and is my age.

Well I guess it was all me than. I guess I was the problem. Well there goes all my hard work on bringing up my self-esteem. Maybe I should stop checking up on my exes. Yeah I think that would be a good idea.

So I watched the movie Sister Act 2 movie today. Yeah I know you are all thinking what does that movie have to do with deep thoughts. Well this is what got me thinking. There is one part in the movie where Whoopi Goldbergs character is talking to a student and she gives her a book. The character further explains to the student about the book and how this author told a person that asked him if he thought he was a writer. Well the author told him that if you wake up everyday and all you want to do is write, then you are a writer. 

I get into these moods where I reminisce and I always end up feeling, well, pathetic. I look at what I did in my life and realize I didn't accomplish anything but learning about pain and heartache. I didn't do anything good or exciting. I didn't do anything outlandish or brave. I always ran away and did the safe thing. Then I get those people telling me to take a chance and what happens I get hurt. I don't like feeling like my life meant nothing and that I did nothing.

Its really weird because I went to school overseas and everyone says "wow, thats great" and "I would never do that" Well it wasn't great and it wasn't that hard to run away from my problems. So it was easy to do that. I had a horrible time because I had to lose all my friends except one, maybe two, all because I was too nice or too american.

You know a lot of people say I'm too nice, I might just start becoming a real bitch. I think I'm going to be more selfish and stop making decisions based on everyone elses needs and wants.

Yeah I think I'm going to do that. My new years resolution isn't going to lose weight (though I really do need to) or to get a career. Its going to be me becoming a person that can be a leader and won't be trampled over. I'm going to work on improving myself for the better.

So working 2 jobs can get real stressful. I guess I just do this tomyself. I think I like the stress and busy work. I never did like being bored or having nothing to do. I do have to say that one of my jobs is a lot easier to do then the other one, but I think that has to do with my boss.

One thing I've realized while working the 2 jobs is that I work better when I am on my own. At one job my bosses are never in the office except for a weekly meeting. The other job my boss is there, but has a lot of meetings. So needless to say I've had to depend on emails for giving updates and asking questions. I have to say that this working 2 jobs brings back memories to when I was working 2 full time jobs to support someone. That was really, really stressful, especially since the person I was supporting wasn't helpful and complained a lot.

I really want to work on my business that I started, but I just haven't had the time. I wish, just like everyone else out there, that there were two of me.

One thing that I think would help me would be to get a smartphone or pda. I'm not sure. I think I'm going to start saving up money to buy one. I want to get an unlocked one so that I can use it with my provider. My provider has crappy selections for smartphones.

So my sister and I went out for the day. We went to Giordanos for lunch, where when it was time for us to check out the computer was down and they were unable to process our cards. We had $15 of gift cards but had to pay an additional 8 bucks. The manager said that he was fine for us to walk out without paying the rest. We went and asked him if we could pay the waitress her tip but he said that he was going to give her 18%. I was amazed, but I was thinking that the waitress would have gotten 20% from me. Oh well. 

So I recently reconnected with this old friend from over 10 years ago and we've been flirting(via texting)  back and forth. I thought it was all in just fun, well I stated that wouldn't mind getting a drink with him sometime. Well we ended up going out last night after he got off work and I thought it was just two friends meeting up for a drink but really I think he thought it was a date. He was doing all the moves on me. To be honest I wasn't expecting it, but it was really nice. I guess I just don't do well with the whole playing the dating game scenario. I was glad that he was making all the moves, because i've had my fill of guys who don't do the moves. At the end of the get together or "date" we ended up kissing and I was totally sold.

So my dad left this morning (well yesterday morning) IT was really sad to see him go. He is going to be gone for a year. I had to keep my sadness in the whole time. My mother was really upset, but it was nothing external to see I just know my mom. My sister was so blasé about the whole thing. 

So Christmas started out alright. We went to 2 movies, which has been kind of a tradition with my family. We saw Madagascar 2 and Bolt, two very cute movies that really did finally make me laugh. The day was going alright until we got home and I had to start taking down all the decorations while my sister got to sit on her ass and upload music for my dad. I was so annoyed because my sister never has to do any of the heavy lifting, or any mechanical type stuff. She always acts so weak and what not, so annoying. And YES I'm definitely jealous of how she gets away with that crap. I know, I know I'm 27 and should get over it, but sometimes it just gets under my skin. 

I am so anti-Christmas. I don't have a lot of money, my dad is leaving 2 days after Christmas for a year long deployment  (he's civilian contractor for the military), an uncle is going to die soon and my mother has serious depression. I know we (my family and I) will make it through, we always do, but I just don't feel like a christmas or cheerful, or even slightly excited. I have to keep faking the whole "yay lets open gifts on christmas" oh wait I won't get any gifts and I have to fake that I'm ok with that. I know that might sound selfish, but I also am really unhappy with the fact that I can't get anyone any gifts/cards or anything at all. Just BAH HUMBUG!!!

I guess I should just consider myself lucky that my family is here and that we still have our home.

I'm just going to work and get through all of this stuff.

Why do I date these idiots? I mean jeez. I just have a tendancy to date these guys that all have no clue how to treat a woman or how to be in a relationship. They all are still acting like little boys. They don't want the commitment or the responsibilty. They just wanted their freedom, and wanted to play around like little boys. But yet I always hook up with the guy that acts like a child because I need someone that doesn't mind acting goofy, and that can make me laugh. I just would like it if the guy was emotionally into the relationship, no wait I take that back, I want a guy emotionally into me. All my previous relationships have been the guy into the idea of a relationship but not really into me.

Well I guess that is the problem for me. I can't find a guy that actually likes me for me and nothing else. I just keeping making the same mistake and put on my rose tinted glasses and think they are into me.

Lately I've been thinking that I don't want to be in relationship anymore, I've been thinking that I'll become one of those crazy aunts with a cat and a career.

So I found out yesterday that my mom is depressed and is on depression drugs. Who knew???!!!!  I never knew but everyone else did for pete sakes. I wish I had known, then I would have not said certain things and would have helped to cheer her up as much as possible.

I love my mother, but she is a very complicated and hard person to read. I never know whats going on with her.

Now I am going to need this blog even more because I'm going to have to keep things to myself because my mom is having a hard time handling things.

I mean my family doesn't even realize that I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend and that I wish he was with me still. I can't tell them any of that because they have their own thing going on.


I have to get to bed because there is a garage sale going on in our neighborhood tomorrow and we all know those garage sale junkies are out at 7am. Got to be up early. Yay!!!

Once a month I get really sad. And no I'm not even near to having my period yet.

Once a month I think about the guy that I gave my heart and soul to. Once a month I have to talk myself back from being depressed because I should be happy that he is happy. Right??

I found out recently that he has moved on and when I first read (yes I said read, I check up on him on facebook to make sure he is doing alright) that I was happy to know that he has moved on, but then I read further. I found out that he is dating an older woman (which was what I was) and that she is paying for everything. It broke my heart because the reason we broke up was the age difference and I figured he would go out with someone his own age. Now all I can think of is that it wasn't the age difference, but that he didn't like me for me.

Hell who am I kidding, right? He never liked me for me and it wasn't because of the age difference. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't the one for him. I think I somehow I knew that all along.

The sad thing for me is that he was the one for me, he was my best friend (though not anymore because I had to cut ties) he was always there for me, he cared for me, he was just himself.

I know I wasn't a good girlfriend, I tried my hardest, but I just wasn't in the right place to deal with a relationship, especially with a younger guy.

Once a month, only once a month I cry over the one guy that got away. None and I mean none of the other guys I dated ever left me missing them or feeling this way.

And Once a montth I have to convince myself to not write him and to stay out of his life because it is for the best.

Once a month I wish and pray that I could have my best friend back.

Once a month I wish I could have the love of my life back.

Lets just say things have not been going well in my life. 

So recently watched a whole bunch of movies. Thank god for free HBO and ShowTime!! 

So its hurricane season and we are already up to the letter F. Though right now its just a tropical thunder storm but its supposed to reach hurricane level when it reaches where my family and I live. So its starting to get stressy here. We have to go fill up water jugs, make sure the batteries are working, and put up boards in front of windows. Yay so much fun. 

So I just finished writing a long a** email to a friend of mine. I don't know why, Its probably because I needed to vent or maybe I just felt that I needed to talk to someone that isn't involved in the drama around here. 

So I've always liked the idea of blogs. I like the idea of venting, stating my thoughts and the fact that people can see it. Its always interesting to get feedback, ideas and advice from people. So feel free to give me advice, comment, etc.